Passionate Marriage Highlights by David Schnarch, Ph.D. Part One

Schnarch, David.  (1997) Passionate Marriage. New York, NY.  Henry Holt and Company.

 I will break this down into a few parts because as Inigo Montoya wisely stated in "The Princess Bride," "Let me explain.  No there is too much.  Let me sum up."

This may still look like a lot, but this is the basis of his book and is so important. 

• "The process of becoming can lead you to act in ways that still exceed the limits of your self-image.  In doing what we aspire to be, we become that person.  But you decide." (31-32)

• "You don't think your way to a new way of living.  You live your way to a new way of thinking."(32)
• "It takes a long time for a human being to mature sexually." (37
  
• The  notion of uncovering repressed feelings has become synonymous with mental health...in this view, therapy is a method of peeling away the layers of your character like an onion.  Often, however, the problem is not a matter of peeling away layers but of developing them-growing ourselves up to be mature and resourceful adults who can solve our current problems. (42)
• "taking care of your own feelings is an integral part of maintaining a relationship." (43)
  
• "Resolving common marital problems requires personal development rather than skills and techniques." (45)
•  "Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points.  We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect.  The universe hands us a flawless diamond-in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate. (Hugh and Gail Prather)" (51).
• "This polishing process (differentiation)...is the process by which we become uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love..[;] grinding off our rough edges through the normal abrasions of long-term intimate relationships.  Differentiation is key to not holding grudges and recovering quickly from arguments, to tolerating intense intimacy and maintaining your priorities in the midst of daily life.  It lets you expand your sexual relationship...it is the pathway to the hottest and most loving sex you'll ever have...[It] brings tenderness, generosity, and compassion." (51).
• "Differentiation...is a process--a lifelong process." (51)
• "differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and /or physically close to others...permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends and family pressure you to agree and conform.  Well differentiated people can agree without feeling like they're "losing themselves," and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered.  They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still "know who they are."  They don't have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self." (56)
• "When we have little differentiation, our identity is constructed out of what's called a reflected sense of self.  We need continual contact, validation, and consensus (or disagreement) from others.  ...our identity depends on the relationship..." (59).
• "People whose identity is primarily dependent upon their relationship don't facilitate the development of those they love.  They lose their identity when others change." (60).
• "As you become more differentiated, you recognize those you love as separate people--just like you.  What they want for themselves becomes as important to you as what you want for yourself...you can see merit in their positions, even when they contradict or interfere with your own." (68).
• "going forward with your own self-development while being concerned with your partner's happiness and well-being...shift[ing from] "what i want for myself versus what you want for you" to "what I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself." (68)
• "Becoming more differentiated is possibly the most loving thing you can do in your lifetime--for those you love as well as yourself...
  It isn't easy...[but] the end result can bring you the best of what life offers..." (73-74).