Passionate Marraige Highlights Part Three

Here are my final highlights from the book.  Honestly though, a few pages of highlights just are not sufficient.  I highly recommend everyone read the full book Passionate Marraige by David Schnarch, Ph.D. (side note:  the audio version of Passionate Marrage is not the same as the actual book, but definitely worthwhile).  I will leave all the "passion" for you to read in the book itself.

• Becoming more differentiated makes you more capable of truly loving (302).



• "We are often most sadistic (enjoy being cruel) when dodging our own development." (305)



• "Mature adults have the strength to recognize and own their ambivalent feelings towards their partner.  They self-soothe the tension of loving and hating the same person at the same time- and the fact that their partner feels similarly." (310) 



• "Marriage help you realize you're living with an out-and-out sadist! And then there's your partner to deal with..." (311)



• "Forgiveness [is] an act of self-caring and a deliberate decision to get on with one's life."  It is a big part of differentiation. (318)



• As you stop taking other people's behavior as a reflection upon yourself, your self-respect will grow. (319)



• "there is no way around your marital gridlock...but there is a way through it.
  Going through gridlock in your marriage is much like climbing a mountain: if you feel in control of yourself, rather than trying to control the terrain and weaterh, you can relax and enjoy the climb...It helps to keep in mind that you never really master the mountain- you master yourself in the process of climbing the mountain.  The mountain remains the same; it is you who changes." (323)



• "Poorly differentiated people can only contain their reactivity by becoming indifferent." (325)



• "Self-control lets you stop controlling your partner."  (325)



• "Paradoxically, when you stop expecting your partner to put up with your limitations, he or she becomes more willing to do just that, which creates a dynamic push for growth.  When partners won't confront themselves they start confronting each other instead, attempting to control their partner to keep from feeling pressured by the marital system." (330).
• "I confronted a pattern I perceived in myself that I intensely disliked:  not appreciating what people did for me, imagining the worst in them, and holding them accountable for my happiness.  This was emotional fusion, expecting them to read my mind or do as I would have done. Self-confrontation and self-soothing turned me [back into a human and] I apologized..." (331-2).
• "Focus on yourself instead of 'working on your relationship' or trying to change your partner...Stop trying to make your partner listen, validate, or accept you;...listen to yourself." (334)
• "Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development." (336)
  
•  "People don't change when they feel under attack--and defending yourself invites attack.  The issue isn't whether you're good enough the way you are.  It's a question of who you want to be."(337)
• "Stop taking your partner's reaction personally...or ask yourself " why you are taking it personally and getting defensive and work on your part.  (337)
• "Don't count on your partner to confront himself/herself in return." (338)
• "Often the real issue is that [people] are not getting what they want from themselves in their marriage.  when they [do] they generally like their relationship more...When you work on yourself you're working on your marriage." (338)
• "Stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself." (338)
• "Stop trying to change your partner." (339)
• "Keep your mouth shut about your partner's issues...Consider the wisdom of silence: don't let your partner fight with you instead of him/herself.  Shift your efforts to being an expert on yourself." (339)
• "Stop focusing on acting more differentiated (holier) than your spouse.  Pay attention to who you are and who you want to be." (340)
• "It's hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception.  But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite- a differentiated life, lived with integrity." (341)
• "The more partners can regulate their own anxieties (hold onto themselves), the more stable their relationship becomes and the less need they have to control each other." (341)
• "Becoming more differentiated is an ongoing lifelong process, rather than somethingyou do once and then you're done." (346)
• Self-soothing techniques:
• "Don't take partner's behavior personally."
• "Focus on your breathing."
• "when you start saying, "Maybe I shouldn't say this, but..." take your own advice."
• "Stop 'awfulizing' the situation."
• Take a time out, but "make it clea that this 'time out' is for self-repair and not withdrawal."
• "Self-soothing does not involve self-indulgence." (350-2)
• "Healthy relationships are anything but smooth."(368)
• "Our mistakes and regrets are not barriers to become who we can be; they are a necessary ingredient." (376)
• "The more [you] believe in [your] own goodness, the more [you] hunger for [your] own development." (395)
• "Spiritual enlightenment is marked by the ability to desire more fully rather than by the absence of desire." (396)
• "As long as we depend on other for our sense of self, we never glimpse the joy in being wholly ourselves, which gives rise to an entirely different kind of love and desire." (396)
• "Dare yourself to enjoy your talents..." (398)
• "Happiness lies in not needing it all."  (398)
• " Sin isn't about unconfined desire --it's our refusal to desire and grow, our refusal to believein ourselves, and our willingness to live below our potential." (400)
• The third century Rabbi Arika said in the Talmud "that we will have to account to God for all the good things our eyes beheld but which we refused to enjoy." (400)
• "A wonderful marraige doesn't make life easy or painless.  It just makes the work sweeter and the pain more meaningful." (403)
• "Nobody's ready for marriage; being married makes you ready for marriage.  Marriage is where you build the strength to love and soothe yourself..." (405)