The New Rules of Marriage by Terrance Real

  "Why do today's relationships need a new rule book?  Because...the roles of men and women have dramatically shifted, and so have our expectations about relationships...But our new desires have not been matched by a corresponding new set of skills." (intro)

"Your relationship is too important for compromise.  Your work may be rewarding, your kids great, and your friends wonderful, but in the end, your bond with the person you live out your life with...is the single most important connection you will ever have." (4)

"Great is what you are really after.  Great is what you deserve.  Not merely a relationship you can live with, but one that is truly alive- passionately, tenderly, maddeningly filled to the brim with unexpected twists and turns, with comfort and solidity, with the sense of knowing and being known, and loving each other anyway.  How do you get such a relationship?  You don't get it, you build it, thoughtfully and skillfully, brick by brick." (4) 

Problems:

21 century relationship expectations with 20th century relationship skills.

giving in: when you back away from your real needs, when you stop telling the truth- to your partner and to yourself=you shut down....when you shut down the truth, you shut down...your generosity, your sexuality, your vitality." (13)  "when today's women back off [or give in} they do it resentfully."

"The golden rule of relationship empowerment is:  "What can i give you to help you give me what I want?" (17)

"Intimacy occurs when two or more mature individuals choose to share themselves with one another." (21)

"Sharing is a process of connection that occurs in five areas...intellectual, emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual." (21)

"Five losing strategies [in relationships]:  (34)
1. Needing to be right
    "objective evidence is fine for solving a crime...but from a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question "who's right and who's wrong?" is "Who cares?" (41)
    "Relationship grown-ups understand that being right is not the real point.  Finding a solution is." (41)

    "At its most extreme, being right becomes self-righteous indignation.  Its no longer that I am angry; it's that you are a jerk.  there's a world of difference between saying, "I'm really mad," and saying, "I'm really mad because you ae such an idiot!"

    "You will never find a solution from a position of self-righteous indignation for the simple reason that you're not seeking one." (41)

    "If you read this book and follow only this one suggestion, I guarantee that your life will be substantially transformed."  "If you're mad, say "I'm mad!" not, "You're bad!" explicitly or implicitly. You can be angry...but lose the offended stance." (42)

2. controlling your partner
    "I could be happy if only you'd..."  "You know, if you really loved me you'd..."  "Honey, what you need to do is..."

    "A good relationship is not one in which the raw prats of ourselves are avoided.  A good relationship is one in which they are handled.  And a great relationship is one in which they are healed." (46)

    "Oppressing someone may lead to compliance, but it will never engender health or love." (47)

3. Unbridled self-expression
    "Here's the real deal on venting:  when you are hurt or angry, spewing is not being authentic; it's being a brat."

    "Intimacy is not perfect.  How could a relationship between two imperfect human beings ever be perfect?  real intimacy is born precisely out of the impact of your human imperfection with mine and how we both handle that maddening, endearing, challenging, and creative collision." (48)  

"venting is not an inalienable right.  You can vent, or you can move toward solution." (48)

4. Retaliation

Passive-aggression is "the clinical term for indirect revenge." (52)

"Almost all perpetrators see themselves as victims." (52)

5. Withdrawal

The difference between withdrawal and mature acceptance:  "real acceptance feels like a choice." (55)

"It is the collision of each other's imperfections that provides our real healing." (55)

"the difference between acceptance and withdrawal is resentment." (57)

"If you have tried everything to get a need met and it's clear that it is not in the cards, you must take ownership of your choices.. Either move into acceptance and relish the gift you are given, or realize how important your need is and deal with it." (57)

"Responsible distance taking always includes...an explanation and a promise of return." "i.e.  "No.  Here's why I am saying no.  And here's my alternative proposal."  (58)

"You cannot get more of your needs met by withdrawing them.  And the cost of withdrawal is the loss of passion...If you carry one shred of resentment, either do the work of full acceptance or go back to the negotiation table and fight for what's important to you.  But don't try to be a marital martyr...you won't like it.  And you won't be the only person...who will pay for it." (59)

"Life's stressors [money, parenting, sex, etc.} rarely determine a couple's dynamic. Your relationship's dynamic will determine how well, or how poorly, you'll handle life's stressors." (71)

"As children, we learn what we live.  in our adult relationships, we live out what we've learned." (71)

"We are drawn to partners who meet two conditions:
    1. The person's character is similar enough to that of one or both of our parents' that, with this person, we can re-create our most familiar and most unresolved childhood drama.
    2. the person's character is dissimilar enough from that of our parents' that, with this person., the old drama carries within it the potential for a new and healthier outcome." (72-73)

"It is the urgency of your wish to "get" from your partner what you should have had but did not get from your parents that drives your losing strategies and guarantees failure." (74)

"As adults, no one else can re-parents us.  We must learn to re-parent ourselves." (75).